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I don't much like getting older. On a personal level, my looks and body are not what they once were - and I miss both.

Mandy and I had a chat on Facebook tonight about the decline of our Psoas Muscles (is that even plural? I have no idea) and I think that is just about one of the most pathetic topics of online conversation ever. However, here we are. And, I do feel somewhat validated that I have hit 40 and am not alone in my hip and lower back pains. From what I understand, soon, I will have some crazy pains in my heels that will fully shoot up my spine to accompany both. Hey, at least I am prepared.

The very good deal is that I am blessed to have health insurance to help me through this aging process. It is addressing the current issue(s) and also helping me get my prevention on. I told my Mom today that my goal is to be in "better shape at 50 than I am now." Her response was, "How about, be in better shape next year at this time than you are today?" And, she is right. To get to 50 in ten years, in a better place than I am NOW, starts immediately. No waiting around. So, I'm running. Then, I add my yoga back in. Then, weights and classes. Then, diet. And. It. Never. Stops. No days off. No backing off.

In order to have a long life with a good quality of life, this is simply how I now have to LIVE.

Every once in a while, I dream I have the chance to get back into my back brace and sleep and it is a surprisingly comforting dream. For those of you who don't know, I wore a full on plastic back brace from just under my armpits to below my hips - and beyond that over my bum - for a couple of years - I guess almost three - when I was growing up. Crazily, it made me the same size in clothes I wear today - so when I get down on my figure, I remind myself that I am the same size I was in the brace. I negotiate my weight gain - and recent weight loss - in this way a good bit. This, of course, is smoke and mirrors. But, it makes me feel better.

I hated that back brace. It made me weird, even though I made the doctors and technicians cut a place out of it to let me have boobs and drill holes in it to let air "breath" on my body through the plastic. Both of which didn't have a lot of impact, but did allow me to be in control of a very constraining mold of me that was not at all comfortable - especially on 90 degree days. AT 13-14 years old, it was pretty awesome to direct those changes. Even then, I was definitely charting my physical and mental courses.

Still, though, I go back to that time in my head some nights and I am not upset when I get there. Because, in my dream life I am aligned in that structured - stand alone - re-created plastic body. I am long, erect, perfectly postured, small waist underneath, with a t-shirt tube I've fabricated so I can wear normal - and has been my way forever, not so normal - clothes with confidence - and I have an armor that is crafting me into a tough, focused, good humored, driven personality - one that doesn't take a lot of needless crap on, even if I find myself questioning just what in the hell is going on in my life. It isn't a bad place to be when I sleep or wake up. It is a defining moment. It was in the past too.

I've been thinking about all of this, because I am really personally lucky. There are people I know and care about who don't have the luxury right now to be even a bit disgruntled about lower back pains or memories of - ultimately - small discomforts in Jr. High and High School. And, I am becoming more aware because of this knowledge - and I hope more forgiving of myself and the people...and the situations...around me.

I hope to embrace more fully that Melaine in the brace. She was ahead of her time.

I appreciate so much her comfort now.