Whew.

Well, it has been a while since I last posted anything. I spent the summer - what there was of it - focusing on my handwritten journals and taking steps to try to accomplish some goals I set last year at this time.

Overall, I have done pretty well in meeting those goals. Except for taking snowboarding lessons. I didn't do that. And, I don't know that I will. I'm not really driven to snowboard.

I also just needed - over the past several months - to live some...without commenting on it.

So. I did some stuff, outside of work - which is stressful of course, but ultimately pretty amazing and gratifying (and I never get to talk about it all, except in protected situations, which really does kinda stink, but is necessary) and I had some really great experiences.

Let's see. I started the whole dating process and met a nice person who I like a lot (a wonderful surprise and not a goal for the year, btw). I ran two 5Ks. I began ordering this crazy organic box of veggies every week, which has inspired me more than I can say...who would've thought a bunch of carrots and avocados and walla walla onions could have such an impact on a life?

I also started another process to become an Episcopalian. Which, granted, has been a lot slower than I thought it would be for me...and it really has to do with my own interior spiritual life trying to catch up with my heart and head, but it has been a great trip.

Weirdly enough, my soul has needed a bit of time to grow closer to a very logical decision I made to take this path. September and October have become the beginning of "learning time" for me in this regard and it will be interesting to see where I am when confirmation rolls around sometime before the end of the year.

And, I did a lot of other good things toward: getting my finances in order, including becoming a donor to help support women in need instead of just being a fundraiser...starting the process of finding this balance I am seeking...and allowing myself to enjoy my own personal style (a take on classic with rock n roll, in case you are wondering.) AND THANK GOD - I reconnected with my dear, dear friends. What a blessing.

I know. I know. This is sounding a lot like one of those Christmas year-end letters we all got in the 80s from friends of the family we never really knew. I'm sorry for that - but I guess I just needed to take a moment here and acknowledge that I set some goals for myself last year at this time and I made some progress. It feels really, really good to be able to say that.

So, here I am now. Again. Thinking about what the next twelve months will bring and what I would like to accomplish. OR - let go of trying to accomplish. (i.e. snowboarding.)

I think I would like this year to be about building on what I started in September 2009 with a splash of love and compassion.

I do know that I am really happy and comfortable for the first time in years with who I am. Now, I haven't labeled it all - haven't figured it all out - but I am satisfied with who I am. I like my life living under this space needle in the middle of a climate that offers me less than enough vitamin D. I like it, because it is mine - of my choosing - of my adventure.

In case you are still reading...here are a few items I am thinking on...

TOPICS UNDER CONSIDERATION FOR THIS YEAR'S GOALS: Running a 5K in 30 minutes, travel, time in Alabama, cultivating a peaceful life, financial stability and greater independence, creative outlet - am I gonna sing again? Can I really write 1,000 words a day?, spiritual growth - what does it mean for me to be a Christian?, longer walks with my dogs, do I boot camp work out in January and February two times a week? YIKES!, horseback riding lessons, and what do I do about my inability to really clean out my closets?

These are all things I think about and, ultimately, try to plan for...about...question. I just work that way. I am a planner at heart. With that in mind, I also want to share something else. I lost several friends this year. I watched on the sidelines as miracles happened, as I sent prayers and I hope some sort of comfort during struggles. I also saw great surprises happen toward all kinds of healing - I am especially thankful for P.T.'s birth in March (I'm an aunt). I don't think that my goals are especially important. They just remind me and hold me accountable as I age. For me, as I get a little older, I want to accomplish things that matter. I want to live up to a bit of my potential - the "biggish picture" and the day to day. Maybe, one day, I will get to really see things from a higher place.

That's all.

Back again...

I am a serious work in progress. I always have been. Those closest to me know I am ALWAYS moving on - sometimes ahead; sometimes not so ahead - from one place to another, physically and mentally - searching. For the first time, in a long time, I've made the decision not to move. In any way shape or form. I've decided to embrace where I am and make no decisions about a next step. I am simply going to live in the world I am in NOW without a plan to take a next step, jump ship, or go on a a walkabout. Whatever you want to call it.

This doesn't mean I don't have goals. I do. But, they are about accomplishing some personal - interior - work that I know I have to be in one, somewhat secure, place to make happen. For me. And, me alone.

It feels weird. I am a gypsy at heart. But, enough transition has happened over the past 10 years for me - continual, constant transition - and I need a moment...many months, really, to catch my breath. So, I am going to take the time here in Seattle to settle down a bit and see what sediment rises to the top.

Back to posting

I don't much like getting older. On a personal level, my looks and body are not what they once were - and I miss both.

Mandy and I had a chat on Facebook tonight about the decline of our Psoas Muscles (is that even plural? I have no idea) and I think that is just about one of the most pathetic topics of online conversation ever. However, here we are. And, I do feel somewhat validated that I have hit 40 and am not alone in my hip and lower back pains. From what I understand, soon, I will have some crazy pains in my heels that will fully shoot up my spine to accompany both. Hey, at least I am prepared.

The very good deal is that I am blessed to have health insurance to help me through this aging process. It is addressing the current issue(s) and also helping me get my prevention on. I told my Mom today that my goal is to be in "better shape at 50 than I am now." Her response was, "How about, be in better shape next year at this time than you are today?" And, she is right. To get to 50 in ten years, in a better place than I am NOW, starts immediately. No waiting around. So, I'm running. Then, I add my yoga back in. Then, weights and classes. Then, diet. And. It. Never. Stops. No days off. No backing off.

In order to have a long life with a good quality of life, this is simply how I now have to LIVE.

Every once in a while, I dream I have the chance to get back into my back brace and sleep and it is a surprisingly comforting dream. For those of you who don't know, I wore a full on plastic back brace from just under my armpits to below my hips - and beyond that over my bum - for a couple of years - I guess almost three - when I was growing up. Crazily, it made me the same size in clothes I wear today - so when I get down on my figure, I remind myself that I am the same size I was in the brace. I negotiate my weight gain - and recent weight loss - in this way a good bit. This, of course, is smoke and mirrors. But, it makes me feel better.

I hated that back brace. It made me weird, even though I made the doctors and technicians cut a place out of it to let me have boobs and drill holes in it to let air "breath" on my body through the plastic. Both of which didn't have a lot of impact, but did allow me to be in control of a very constraining mold of me that was not at all comfortable - especially on 90 degree days. AT 13-14 years old, it was pretty awesome to direct those changes. Even then, I was definitely charting my physical and mental courses.

Still, though, I go back to that time in my head some nights and I am not upset when I get there. Because, in my dream life I am aligned in that structured - stand alone - re-created plastic body. I am long, erect, perfectly postured, small waist underneath, with a t-shirt tube I've fabricated so I can wear normal - and has been my way forever, not so normal - clothes with confidence - and I have an armor that is crafting me into a tough, focused, good humored, driven personality - one that doesn't take a lot of needless crap on, even if I find myself questioning just what in the hell is going on in my life. It isn't a bad place to be when I sleep or wake up. It is a defining moment. It was in the past too.

I've been thinking about all of this, because I am really personally lucky. There are people I know and care about who don't have the luxury right now to be even a bit disgruntled about lower back pains or memories of - ultimately - small discomforts in Jr. High and High School. And, I am becoming more aware because of this knowledge - and I hope more forgiving of myself and the people...and the situations...around me.

I hope to embrace more fully that Melaine in the brace. She was ahead of her time.

I appreciate so much her comfort now.

Thank you BARE NAKED LADIES

40,000 words is back on.

1,000 words a day.

Sometimes, you just have to shake things up a bit, get a little out of sorts, and then...thank goodness, the world becomes a little easier to navigate.

Suddenly, you can write.