I am a serious work in progress. I always have been. Those closest to me know I am ALWAYS moving on - sometimes ahead; sometimes not so ahead - from one place to another, physically and mentally - searching. For the first time, in a long time, I've made the decision not to move. In any way shape or form. I've decided to embrace where I am and make no decisions about a next step. I am simply going to live in the world I am in NOW without a plan to take a next step, jump ship, or go on a a walkabout. Whatever you want to call it.
This doesn't mean I don't have goals. I do. But, they are about accomplishing some personal - interior - work that I know I have to be in one, somewhat secure, place to make happen. For me. And, me alone.
It feels weird. I am a gypsy at heart. But, enough transition has happened over the past 10 years for me - continual, constant transition - and I need a moment...many months, really, to catch my breath. So, I am going to take the time here in Seattle to settle down a bit and see what sediment rises to the top.
Saturday, June 5, 2010
Friday, June 4, 2010
Back to posting
I don't much like getting older. On a personal level, my looks and body are not what they once were - and I miss both.
Mandy and I had a chat on Facebook tonight about the decline of our Psoas Muscles (is that even plural? I have no idea) and I think that is just about one of the most pathetic topics of online conversation ever. However, here we are. And, I do feel somewhat validated that I have hit 40 and am not alone in my hip and lower back pains. From what I understand, soon, I will have some crazy pains in my heels that will fully shoot up my spine to accompany both. Hey, at least I am prepared.
The very good deal is that I am blessed to have health insurance to help me through this aging process. It is addressing the current issue(s) and also helping me get my prevention on. I told my Mom today that my goal is to be in "better shape at 50 than I am now." Her response was, "How about, be in better shape next year at this time than you are today?" And, she is right. To get to 50 in ten years, in a better place than I am NOW, starts immediately. No waiting around. So, I'm running. Then, I add my yoga back in. Then, weights and classes. Then, diet. And. It. Never. Stops. No days off. No backing off.
In order to have a long life with a good quality of life, this is simply how I now have to LIVE.
Every once in a while, I dream I have the chance to get back into my back brace and sleep and it is a surprisingly comforting dream. For those of you who don't know, I wore a full on plastic back brace from just under my armpits to below my hips - and beyond that over my bum - for a couple of years - I guess almost three - when I was growing up. Crazily, it made me the same size in clothes I wear today - so when I get down on my figure, I remind myself that I am the same size I was in the brace. I negotiate my weight gain - and recent weight loss - in this way a good bit. This, of course, is smoke and mirrors. But, it makes me feel better.
I hated that back brace. It made me weird, even though I made the doctors and technicians cut a place out of it to let me have boobs and drill holes in it to let air "breath" on my body through the plastic. Both of which didn't have a lot of impact, but did allow me to be in control of a very constraining mold of me that was not at all comfortable - especially on 90 degree days. AT 13-14 years old, it was pretty awesome to direct those changes. Even then, I was definitely charting my physical and mental courses.
Still, though, I go back to that time in my head some nights and I am not upset when I get there. Because, in my dream life I am aligned in that structured - stand alone - re-created plastic body. I am long, erect, perfectly postured, small waist underneath, with a t-shirt tube I've fabricated so I can wear normal - and has been my way forever, not so normal - clothes with confidence - and I have an armor that is crafting me into a tough, focused, good humored, driven personality - one that doesn't take a lot of needless crap on, even if I find myself questioning just what in the hell is going on in my life. It isn't a bad place to be when I sleep or wake up. It is a defining moment. It was in the past too.
I've been thinking about all of this, because I am really personally lucky. There are people I know and care about who don't have the luxury right now to be even a bit disgruntled about lower back pains or memories of - ultimately - small discomforts in Jr. High and High School. And, I am becoming more aware because of this knowledge - and I hope more forgiving of myself and the people...and the situations...around me.
I hope to embrace more fully that Melaine in the brace. She was ahead of her time.
I appreciate so much her comfort now.
Mandy and I had a chat on Facebook tonight about the decline of our Psoas Muscles (is that even plural? I have no idea) and I think that is just about one of the most pathetic topics of online conversation ever. However, here we are. And, I do feel somewhat validated that I have hit 40 and am not alone in my hip and lower back pains. From what I understand, soon, I will have some crazy pains in my heels that will fully shoot up my spine to accompany both. Hey, at least I am prepared.
The very good deal is that I am blessed to have health insurance to help me through this aging process. It is addressing the current issue(s) and also helping me get my prevention on. I told my Mom today that my goal is to be in "better shape at 50 than I am now." Her response was, "How about, be in better shape next year at this time than you are today?" And, she is right. To get to 50 in ten years, in a better place than I am NOW, starts immediately. No waiting around. So, I'm running. Then, I add my yoga back in. Then, weights and classes. Then, diet. And. It. Never. Stops. No days off. No backing off.
In order to have a long life with a good quality of life, this is simply how I now have to LIVE.
Every once in a while, I dream I have the chance to get back into my back brace and sleep and it is a surprisingly comforting dream. For those of you who don't know, I wore a full on plastic back brace from just under my armpits to below my hips - and beyond that over my bum - for a couple of years - I guess almost three - when I was growing up. Crazily, it made me the same size in clothes I wear today - so when I get down on my figure, I remind myself that I am the same size I was in the brace. I negotiate my weight gain - and recent weight loss - in this way a good bit. This, of course, is smoke and mirrors. But, it makes me feel better.
I hated that back brace. It made me weird, even though I made the doctors and technicians cut a place out of it to let me have boobs and drill holes in it to let air "breath" on my body through the plastic. Both of which didn't have a lot of impact, but did allow me to be in control of a very constraining mold of me that was not at all comfortable - especially on 90 degree days. AT 13-14 years old, it was pretty awesome to direct those changes. Even then, I was definitely charting my physical and mental courses.
Still, though, I go back to that time in my head some nights and I am not upset when I get there. Because, in my dream life I am aligned in that structured - stand alone - re-created plastic body. I am long, erect, perfectly postured, small waist underneath, with a t-shirt tube I've fabricated so I can wear normal - and has been my way forever, not so normal - clothes with confidence - and I have an armor that is crafting me into a tough, focused, good humored, driven personality - one that doesn't take a lot of needless crap on, even if I find myself questioning just what in the hell is going on in my life. It isn't a bad place to be when I sleep or wake up. It is a defining moment. It was in the past too.
I've been thinking about all of this, because I am really personally lucky. There are people I know and care about who don't have the luxury right now to be even a bit disgruntled about lower back pains or memories of - ultimately - small discomforts in Jr. High and High School. And, I am becoming more aware because of this knowledge - and I hope more forgiving of myself and the people...and the situations...around me.
I hope to embrace more fully that Melaine in the brace. She was ahead of her time.
I appreciate so much her comfort now.
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Thank you BARE NAKED LADIES
40,000 words is back on.
1,000 words a day.
Sometimes, you just have to shake things up a bit, get a little out of sorts, and then...thank goodness, the world becomes a little easier to navigate.
Suddenly, you can write.
1,000 words a day.
Sometimes, you just have to shake things up a bit, get a little out of sorts, and then...thank goodness, the world becomes a little easier to navigate.
Suddenly, you can write.
Friday, December 25, 2009
The New Year
I've decided to shut down my blog for now. Thanks for reading...I'll let you know if I repost. Best wishes, Melaine
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